2 months since my last blog post. Although I do not believe in sharing excuses or having to explain anything to anyone, something did occur to me while I took my time off from blogging and social media. That I never really dedicated a post to what is a part of my everyday life.
Now and then I touch on the fact that I have anxiety here but I’ve never dedicated an entire post about it. Anxiety is the reason I started my blog. Back in 2016, I was in an incredibly dark place… to the point where getting out of bed was difficult. Battling depression at 15 and diagnosed with anxiety at 26 my mind was in a constant war.
Anxiety and depression are opposites – anxiety makes my heart race, depression makes me want to sleep. Sleeping with your heart racing isn’t a party I ever wanted to attend.
All of this anxious energy needed to be directed somewhere else instead of consuming my life – then I started this blog. It has been nothing but a positive aspect of my life and a creative outlet. Don’t get it twisted, I love fashion… since I was a little girl I have been obsessed with the idea of creating my outfits. My style has evolved just as I have as a woman. And just as my anxiety has evolved into different forms.
Mostly this affects me during the winter months where my seasonal depression kicks in and my mental health is just at an all-time low. Earlier this year I forced content, I saw it and I felt it. It was so upsetting. But I was trying so hard to channel that energy into something positive. Certain things excited me to share but that same spark just wasn’t there anymore.
My job takes up a lot of my creative energy. Some people say that you shouldn’t help building another person’s dream but your own. More guilt was added.
This year my anxiety came in the forms of waking up at 4 AM, decreased appetite, mini meltdowns weekly over the smallest happenings, paranoia, sweaty palms, hives on my neck/chest and my all-time favorite: getting stuck. I mean this figurately and literally.
When my anxiety was at its peak I would sit on my bed for HOURS at a time just sitting there repeating the same things over and over again as if how I felt would change – check Instagram, Facebook, SnapChat, see if someone replied to my messages. Nothing would change. I’d cry and panic and hyperventilate. After a final major meltdown in 2016 and a new comforter, my new spot is the floor. I have sat there quite a few times at the end of last year and a few instances this year. Hunched over and freaking out inside of my mind. Silently.
Over what you ask? Anything under the sun. Dating, finances, where I’m living, feeling like a failure, thinking someone is mad at me, wishing there were more hours in the day, wishing I would hustle more….
Compared to 2016 I have come a long way. I still have my days and my moments but in 2019 I decided to face everything head-on as if I were going to literal war. Kind of like the scene from Game of Thrones in the Battle of the Bastards episode where Jon Snow was consumed by Ramsey Bolton’s army. How he was surrounded and gasping for air before Sansa saved him. Jon Snow had his sister to save him, but in my battle, I have to save myself.
“First, We Make the Beast Beautiful” by Sarah Wilson has been my source of inspiration. Instead of trying to ignore how I feel, I just allow it to happen and have my moment. Have I cried because I saw something I didn’t like? YES. Have I had a moment where I went shopping and felt like I was going to run into someone that I didn’t want to see? YA. Have I made up 100 different scenarios in my head and none of them being anywhere near true? FUCK YES.
I sat in that feeling and dealt with it. I rode that wave out until it was done. Asking myself what I’m feeling, why do I feel this way, what may have triggered it, is this something that I can solve?
Working out has also helped me channel that anxious feeling. Who knew that Kayla Itsine’s jumping workouts were a hell of a way to work out your legs AND your mind.
My mental and physical health has been a priority this year. When I knew I couldn’t keep up with the demands I had in place for myself on this blog, I knew this was bigger than me. I had to face the music of the fact that I needed to step away and remember why I started it.
So here I am. Back and ready to share more of me. More of my love of fashion. My moments of “I have no idea what the hell I am going to wear” standing in front of my closet.