Feeling engulfed in your anxiety is an experience that not many can explain to others when you are in the depths of it. Everything feels blurred and yet you feel every emotion so strongly. Heart racing, no appetite, and just a constant feeling of fear.
From roughly April 2016 to August 2016 I was in the pit of hell with my anxiety. To give you all a bit of a background on some of the things that transpired leading up to my mental break of 2016:
- Two of my family members become incredibly ill suddenly. One with pancreatic cancer and another with cardiac issues.
- The guy I had been seeing suddenly dipped out of my life after I returned from visiting a friend. Suspecting he was seeing the girl he told me not to worry about, we ended things. I later found out my suspicion was indeed correct.
- Continous issues and drama with friends.
By the time May rolled around I was sliding into the pits of hell with my anxiety, I didn’t know what to do with myself. A trip away didn’t ease me as I had so much going on at home that I could barely be present in the moment. Everything in my life felt like it was out of my control.
June and July quickly rolled around and I felt absolutely nothing but fear and a sense of drowning. If you’ve ever been stuck in a riptide at the shoreline of a beach then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Your swimming and swimming trying to get your head above water but the waves keep crashing on top of you.
Nothing at home with my sick family members had changed and the former flame was out and about with his new chick. To say I was hit from every angle of life was an understatement. I felt like a complete mess of a human being. The constant feeling of static in my chest and panic was enough to drive someone off a ledge.
By August therapy wasn’t helping any longer as the moment I left every feeling came flooding back. My best friend was the one who would eventually give me the idea of starting a blog. She had just moved back from the west coast and decided a beach day was in order. We were chatting by the beach having a drink when she said to me: “I hate to see you working a job that you hate and that you aren’t passionate about. Let’s find you a job in fashion because I know that’s what you want to do.”
Knowing that I had no background in fashion or experience in retail I didn’t know how I was going to pivot myself into the fashion industry to get something else on my resume. So I had mentioned how I follow these girls who are fashion and style bloggers. It got me so excited the thought of putting together looks and getting dressed up and talking fashion.
Late August I was brainstorming names and jumping headfirst into everything. Every week I worked on creating looks, content, and interacting on Instagram with other girls who loved fashion and style. Come the Fall I finally felt like I got my head above water. I had figured out a way to channel my anxious energy into something positive: my blog.
It helped me see and feel situations a lot more clearly. With additional efforts and focusing on bettering myself, I was able to get my head above the waves and walk out of the stormy waters that were my anxiety.
Looking back I realized that I went through hell but at the end of it there was something amazing.
Shop my outfit…